(telephone ringing)
- Hello? - (Ghostface) Hello.
- Uh, yes? - Who is this?
- Who are you calling? - Who am I speaking to?
(scoffs) Wrong number. (beep)
- Who was that? - Oh, nobody.
- Did you pick a movie? - Yeah. We're gonna go scary.
- "Saw 4." - Ugh. I saw that in theaters.
It sucks. It's not scary, it's gross.
I hate all that torture-porn shit.
(chuckles) How do you really feel?
Well, I like Jigsaw. I think he kills people very creatively.
But you don't give a shit who dies 'cause there's no character development.
There's just body parts ripping and blood spewing. Blah.
- Who do you keep texting? - I have a Facebook stalker.
- He keeps leaving me messages. - Yeah, like what?
Just stuff. Like, "Hey, what's up? You're hot. I wanna kill you."
So delete him.
I did, but he hacked his way back in.
So report him.
He's really hot, though. You wanna see?
That's Channing Tatum.
It is not. Is it?
Yeah, from his Abercrombie days. You are being punked.
(telephone rings)
- Hello? - (Ghostface) Who is this?
The more impatient version of the person you just spoke to.
I'm sorry. You don't have to be a bitch about it.
No, of course I don't. Eat me.
You hang up on me and I'll cut through your neck until I feel bone!
- Who is it? - It's for you.
- Hello? - Who's this?
It's Trudie. Who's this?
This is the last person you're ever gonna see alive.
It's a prank. Hang up.
(beep) Why'd you hand the phone to me?
You're the one with the stalker. Are the doors locked?
Don't freak out.
(telephone rings)
Let it ring.
(beep)
(cell phone vibrates)
It's from stalker boy.
He said, "Answer the phone."
(sighs) For God's sake. It's a joke, Trudie.
It's probably Lexi or Karen. Where are you going?
To make sure the front door is locked.
(doorbell rings, both scream)
No. Don't open it.
You're overreacting. (scoffs)
It's a joke, Trudie, okay? Somebody made a dummy profile.
- They're just trying to scare you. - Wait.
(loudly) Who is it?
I said, who is it?
Let's call the cops.
(cell phone vibrates)
"I dare you to open the door."
No, Sherrie. Don't.
No, don't, I'm scared.
Hey, it could be anyone that we know.
Lisa, Bailey, Wayne,
or the hopeful long shot, Channing Tatum.
- There's nobody out here. - (sighs softly)
(cell phone vibrates)
What does it say?
It says, "I'm not outside. I'm right beside you."
(screams) Trudie!
Trudie... oh, my God.
(screams)
(gasping)
(woman screams)
Fucking kidding me?
What?
That was so fucking stupid. Pure horseshit.
The death of horror right here in front of us.
I jumped. Scared me.
A fucking Facebook killer? You're kidding me, right?
I guess now it would be Twitter. That'd make more sense.
A bunch of articulate teens sit around and deconstruct horror movies
until Ghostface kills them one by one?
It's been done to death,
the whole self-aware, post-modern meta shit.
Stick a fork in 1996 already.
I like the "Stab" movies. They're scarier.
It's not aliens or zombies or little Asian ghost girls.
There's something real about a guy with a knife who just...
snaps.
It could really happen.
I can't do it. These sequels don't know when to stop.
They just keep recycling the same shit.
Even the opening scene.
There's always some random girl who gets a call
that undoubtedly ends up getting her killed.
It's all so predictable. There's no element of surprise.
You can see everything coming!
Aah! (gasps softly)
- (gasps) - Did that surprise you?
It's your own fault.
Why?
- Because you talk too much. - Agh!
Now shut the fuck up and watch the movie.
(chokes wetly)
(woman screams)
Oh, my God, I love it.
I've seen it five times, and it still gets me every time.
You're kidding. I don't get it.
(TV shuts off)
Okay. It's like "The Twilight Zone."
"Twilight Zone"? A movie within a movie.
I get that. But it's illogical.
It begs the question that if the beginning of "Stab 7" is "Stab 6,"
then is the beginning of "Stab 6" "Stab 5"?
And, if so, what is "Stab 4" about?
- You're over-thinking it. - Am I?
Or did whoever make it just under-think it?
There's a reason I don't watch these movies.
I can't believe you haven't seen them. We live in Woodsboro.
That has nothing to do with Woodsboro.
I-I thought you said "Stab" was based on true stories.
The first three, the original trilogy, is based off of Sidney Prescott,
but then she threatened to sue them if they used her story,
so then they just started making stuff up.
"Stab 5" has time travel, which is by far the worst.
Don't we hear enough about this story every year?
At least Woodsboro's known for something.
(faint rattle) Did you hear that?
Uh...
no, I didn't hear anything.
I did.
Jenny?
- Don't try to scare me. - I'm not trying to scare you.
- You do it all the time. - No, I don't.
- Where are you going? - I told you, I heard something.
- I know you're trying to scare me. - I'm not.
(faint thudding)
What is it?
I must have left a window in my room open.
(telephone rings)
Could you get that?
- Marnie? - Yeah.
(ringing continues)
(beep)
- Hello? - (Ghostface) Hello. Who is this?
Marnie. Who's this?
This is the last person you're ever gonna see alive.
- What? - (laughs)
(laughing) I'm sorry.
I had to.
(sigh) You bitch.
So not funny.
Somebody falls for it every year.
I don't see why you get off on this sh...
(chokes, gasps)
(dial tone) Marnie?
(crash)
(beep) Marnie?
Good one, Marnie. Lights out, phone on the floor?
You know, you really should direct horror films.
Wherever you are.
(sighs) Let me guess.
You want me to walk by an open doorframe so you can pop out, huh?
(telephone rings, gasps)
(chuckles) Okay, timing, timing is perfect.
But you don't have the app on your phone,
so you can't talk like Ghostface, can you?
(Ghostface) Yes I can.
- Who is this? - Not an app.
Is this Trevor?
Do I sound like a Trevor to you? Think of me as your director.
You're in my movie. You got a fun part, so don't blow it.
- What movie? - Same one Marnie's in.
Only her part got cut way back.
But you, you're the dumb blonde with the big tits.
We'll have some fun with you before you die.
I have a 4.0 GPA and 135 IQ, asshole. What did you do with Marnie?
- She's on the cutting room floor. - That's not funny.
This isn't a comedy. It's a horror film.
People live, people die. And you'd better start running.
(screams)
(dog barking in distance)
Marnie?
(whimpers)
(screams)
(screaming)
(panting)
(screaming)
(grunts)
(garage door whirs)
(grunting and whimpering)
(screams, crunch)
(whimpering)
(screams)
(woman screams, "Something To Die For" plays)
Working for another hour tonight
Staring at the wall and let the time just pass me by
You might think you know me, but it's all just a face
Trying to ignore when people screaming my name
When something's right
Then something is worth to die for
When I feel that something is wrong
Then something is worth to fight for
Don't say goodbye
Just leave an open door
I wanna hear you say
You give me something to die for...
What do you think?
Well, I guess today is the anniversary.
- (sighs) Kids. - No, I meant the display.
Oh. (chuckles)
It's good.
Told the owner I'd kill his cat if he didn't get it right.
(chuckles) Nice.
(cell phone vibrating, playing "Axel F")
(music stops)
(car alarm chirps)
(car approaching, roach music blaring)
Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 25, stay alive!
Shit. Sorry, Sheriff!
Kirby.
(rock music continues)
Whoo.
(horn honks)
Hey, before you get in the car, you have to promise not to kill me.
Why? What did you do?
- Trevor called me last night. - Why is he calling you?
Because you won't take his calls.
He knows I have your ear, and he wants to know.
- Know what? - How upset you are.
Can we just not talk about this now, please?
(softly) Fine. Fine.
Okay, so Trevor called me last night.
He called you, too?
He's worried your cousin coming to Woodsboro's
distracting you from knowing how sorry he really is.
- Well, that's inventive. - (chuckling) Oh, God.
(engine starts)
Problem with Trevor is he never quits.
By the way, have you seen the Grim Reaper, Angel of Death?
- What are you talking about? - Your cousin.
- Sidney. - Last stop on her book tour.
First stop on her road to a new life. It's very dramatic.
She's the reason why I love horror movies.
I'm sure she'd love to hear that. If I knew her, which I don't really.
Wherever she went, people died. Other people, it was never her.
I mean, "Stab" is the wrong franchise for her.
It should be "Final Destination." (cell phone rings)
Okay, why is Jenny Randall calling me?
- Ooh, the other woman. - Hello?
- (Ghostface) Hello, Jill. - Can't stand Jenny.
Shh! Jenny? Is this you?
- What's your favorite scary movie? - Okay, who is this?
What does she want?
(beep) I said, who is this?
(angrily) I asked you a question. What's your favorite scary movie?
I'm hanging up.
(beep)
Wow. (chuckles) That was original.
I got a call like that this morning from Marnie the Carny.
What?
Watch out! (horn blares, tires squeal)
(man) Nice move, asshole!
(panting) You just ran a stop sign.
Sorry.
- (sighs) - Angel of Death.
(indistinct radio chatter)
(woman) The mayor wants these down before lunch.
(man) Only twenty-five more to go.
- Morning, Sheriff. - Morning, Deputy.
- Joe. - Morning, Sheriff.
Looks like the celebration's begun.
- High school kids, probably. - Yeah.
One generation's tragedy is the next one's joke.
Sorry you can never get away from this.
You know, I wish I'd been old enough to be part of the force
when you were solving those crimes.
Why's that?
It's those intense investigations that really bond relationships.
Well, yeah.
How is Gale, by the way?
Gale's good. She's writing.
Fiction. Or trying.
Hey, I made some lemon squares. They're in my car.
Uh, thanks, Deputy, but no thanks.
Sheriff, you're not cheatin' on your wife if you eat my lemon square.
Yeah, but I would be cheatin' on my diet.
(both laugh) Sheriff Riley? Come in, Sheriff Riley!
This is Sheriff Riley. Go ahead.
You gotta get over to the Randall house right away.
It's bad, Sheriff, real bad.
(engine starts, sirens wail)
The book is "Out of Darkness,"
and its author, Sidney Prescott, is here with us today.
Have the seven "Stab" movies, all based on Gale Weathers' books
about you, made it even harder to go on?
I don't blame Gale. That's in the past.
If I was a victim for too long, it was up to me to reinvent myself.
- That's why I wrote this book. - Sidney Prescott, everybody.
And rave reviews for her book "Out of Darkness."
All right, Gale, let's do it.
Let's reinvent myself.
(sighs)
Except...
"I have... no fucking idea... what to... write."
(sighs)
Oh, is that new?
That's the 2.0 upgraded version. I'm totally mobile now.
Nice. Look.
Oh, this is "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer,
here with the luscious Olivia "Don't look at my tits, I have a mind" Morris.
Here is my Woodsboro Massacre anniversary question:
What is your favorite scary movie?
Is that all you've got? Some stupid douche question?
Yeah, where'd you hear that anyways?
It's a line from "Stab One," duh. Hey, Charlie.
You're a, a genre nut, Kirby. What's your favorite scary movie?
"Bambi."
Dork. What?
That's funny, Kirby.
(girls chuckle)
- Completely unaware you exist. - No, man, she wants me.
(chuckles) Yeah, I wish, right? Asshole.
I think Charlie likes you.
And I like him.
To tease, to torment, to make him squirm.
You could do a lot worse, trust me.
- (gasps) - Oh!
Hi, Trevor. Bye, Trevor.
Can we talk?
Somebody cares about you over here, you know?
Someone who made you really happy once.
Someone who never should have let you go.
When you're done with a phone call, you let someone go.
Or when you take someone to the airport, you let them go.
When you tell someone you love her, she gives you everything,
and then you just go out with someone else,
that is not letting her go, that's dumping her, okay?
That's... that's betrayal.
(laughs) Trevor Sheldon,
denied live on "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer.
What is your favorite scary movie, man?
I'll show you. (snarls)
(Sidney) And I began to believe myself that that was all I was,
a victim, and that was unacceptable to me.
So, I sat down...
and began to write a new role that would be my own,
a role for a woman who could leave the walls of fear behind
and step out into the sunlight, out of darkness.
(applause) Thank you.
Okay, we're gonna start the book signing in a sec.
So buy your copies while they last. Lookin' at you, ladies.
New York Times bestseller. Rave reviews.
Gale. I'm glad you came.
Congratulations, Sidney.
I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but...
I know where you can get one. (chuckles)
Dewey! Hey!
Hey, Sid. Gale, you made it.
(sirens wailing, tires screeching) What are you doing here?
Sid, I'm sorry, I gotta do something here.
- Shit! - I'm really sorry.
Excuse me! This will only take a minute.
I need you all to stay where you are and remain silent.
Nobody leaves yet. The Sheriff thanks you.
Can this wait, Barney Fife? I'm running an event here.
- Ma'am, this is a police event now. - What's going on?
Gale, this is police business. If you could just let us handle this.
I'm talking to my husband, Deputy Judy.
Listen, there's a phone we believe
may have been taken from the scene of a crime.
Deputy Hicks has traced its location back to these coordinates.
The rest is need-to-know.
- And I'm not "need-to-know"? - Shh.
(cell phone ringing) Hoss, I'm hearing something.
Sheriff, it's ringing out here!
(ringing continues)
There!
- It's coming from the trunk. - There.
Dewey? Gonna need everyone to stay back.
- Not now, Sid. - It's my rental.
(all gasp)
Okay, it's now an official crime scene.
Let's lock it down. Get that camera outta here!
- Everybody back. - Gimme that camera.
Please tell me this is a prank, Dewey.
- I'm afraid not, Sid. - On the curb, ma'am.
- Come on. - Everybody, get back!
Henry, you're not gonna believe what just happened.
Stand back, Gale. Gale.
I just wanna see.
(man) Cover up your kid's eyes!
Okay, essays are due Tuesday.
"Why Woodsboro is the best..." (multiple cell phones ringing)
Anything with an on/off switch should be off, that's the rule!
Somebody wanna share?
Jenny Randall and Marnie Cooper were murdered last night.
- What? - What?
Stabbed to death.
- What's your favorite scary... - Shut up!
- Yo, it's a news van! - Class is not over!
That was fast.
This week marks the anniversary of the infamous Woodsboro Murders.
Two girls killed the exact day local celebrity victim Sidney Prescott
chose to return to her hometown.
It all could be something right out of a Gale Weathers best-seller.
And where is she now?
Well, living right here in Woodsboro...
- Mrs. Riley. - Hoss.
- First Lady. - Perkins.
Excuse me, Gale. He's conducting an interview.
Great. I love interviews.
You'll have to wait, Gale. Sorry, can't let you in there.
(chuckles) What are you gonna do, arrest me, Deputy Judy?
If it comes to it.
Civilian interference with a police investigation
poses many a problem in a court of law.
Okay, listen to me, Judy.
I don't mind that you're working with my husband
or that you even bake him those little treats as you do.
But if you're gonna start acting like him,
you ought to put a moustache on 'cause you sound ridiculous.
- Gale! - Judy!
- Gale! (clears throat) - Deputy. Gale.
(whispering) Please.
Uh, Sidney, if you don't mind givin' us a minute.
- Sid. - Hi, Gale.
Dewey, would you please explain to Betty Crocker
that I have every right to be here?
If there's been another murder in Woodsboro, obviously... what?
(whispering) That is not public information!
- It is all over the Internet, Dewey! - It is?
Yes! The whole world knows about it before me!
She wants to be a part of the investigation, Sheriff.
(sighs) Hang on.
Um, are you familiar with the phrase, "I wrote the book on this"?
Gale, with all due respect, I don't see how that pertains to...
Because I wrote the book on this!
"The Woodsboro Murders" by Gale Weathers?
But you're not a reporter anymore, Gale.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - And even if you were...
Don't treat me like I'm the media.
I helped solve these things three times, remember?
You and me. Together.
(sighs) But I'm the Sheriff now, Gale.
Right?
What, you're not gonna let me help you with this?
I can't.
All right, then I'm going rogue.
This is what I'm good at, Dewey.
This is what I know how to do.
(clears throat)
Your lemon squares taste like ass.
They don't. They really don't.
Thank you, sir.
- Sheriff. - Yeah?
We've got a couple high school kids in here.
Two of 'em, they say they got threatening phone calls this morning
from the victims' phones.
Names are Olivia Morris and Jill Roberts.
That's Sid's cousin. Damn.
Right in here, Sheriff.
- Hey, Jill. - Sidney.
- Hi. - Hi.
It's nice to see you even under the circumstances.
(both chuckle) You okay?
- Yeah. - So two of you got phone calls?
Yeah, us two. "What's your favorite scary movie?"
It was the killer's voice. From "Stab."
Or, I mean, you know, from your life.
I'm Kirby, by the way. I'm their friend.
And the killer didn't call you?
No. Is... is that a bad thing?
Does that mean that I'm not gonna live as long as these two?
(chuckling) No.
Maybe.
Of course not. Just, uh, just be careful.
Oh, my God, did you hear that? I'm gonna be next!
Dewey, I shouldn't be here. I should leave town.
I'm afraid that's not really possible, Sidney.
Look, nobody thinks you're involved, but everyone's a suspect, I'm sorry.
And there was evidence in your car, connecting the killer to you.
You may be a material witness.
(sighs)
So, look, you'll have, uh, 24-hour police protection.
That's comforting.
(beep) This is Rebecca.
Oh, my fucking God, Henry! Yes! It's true.
Two girls butchered. (chuckles) Payday.
I was so not feeling Woodsboro. I was like, lame PR move, right?
Well, fuck me wow. Best idea ever.
Henry, I'll call you back. (beep)
Excuse me I have to geek out.
I didn't get a chance to say something earlier,
but it's such an honor to meet you.
- Thank you. Hi. - Rebecca Walters.
When I was a kid, it was all about "Top Story with Gale Weathers."
- (chuckles) You were my '90s. - Well, it's Gale Riley now.
You gave it all up for love, I know that.
How long have you and Dewey been married?
- Ten years. - Aww!
Just like your characters in "Stab 3." Wow.
Wow.
Oh, I didn't mean bad wow.
It just, it always seemed like more of a movie romance than a real one
because it was a movie and in real life you two would never be...
Ooh, dug a hole. (chuckles nervously) Climbing out here.
So anyway kudos on being brave enough to drop off the professional map.
Any plans on revitalizing your tarnished brand?
Listen, in about two seconds,
I'm gonna revitalize your face with my tarnished brand.
Ooh...
I still got it.
Testy.
She's so pretty.
When you think about what she survived, she must have scars everywhere.
Shh!
Her mom was my sister. I have scars, too.
No one ever asks me about my scars.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Roberts. - She means knife scars, Mom.
Oh.
Well... fine.
How are you?
How's Gale?
Uh, I'm all right.
But Gale, it's been hard on her.
Small town... small-town husband.
(chuckles humorlessly) Not much to write about.
You two okay?
Well, I read somewhere once,
"Just when you think things can't get any worse,
"sometimes they don't.
(chuckling) Sometimes they get better."
"Out of Darkness" by Sidney Prescott, page 220.
(both chuckle)
Gotta get going.
It's nice to see you, Dewey. Been through a lot together.
And we'll get through this, too. Okay?
- Lock up. - Mm-hmm.
(indistinct radio chatter)
- (gasps) - Be cool.
It's okay. It's just me. Relax, relax. It's just me.
What the hell are you doing here? There are cops right out front.
No match for the ninja, baby.
(sighs)
Anyway, what are you doing in the house with Sidney Prescott?
I mean, that's like being on "Top Chef" with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Can you please get away from the window?
Y-You have no right to be in here. Not anymore.
Hang on.
I heard you got a phone call from the killer.
- Is that true? - (sighs) What do you care?
Don't you think you'd be a lot safer with me around?
I don't trust you Trevor.
Hey.
Then I'm just gonna have to make sure that you do, all right?
(knock on door)
Oh, sorry, I didn't...
No, he's just leaving. It's... it's my ex.
Oh.
Yeah. Her one and only.
- Hi. - Hi.
It's cool to meet you... officially.
I keep meaning to pick up a copy of your book, but...
- You're smaller in person. - (chuckles)
(chuckles softly)
What?
Nothing. You just, uh... you remind me of, uh... me.
- (chuckles softly) - Lock your window, okay?
Yeah. Good night.
'Night.
- (gasps) - Sorry about that.
Just makin' my rounds before takin' off.
Great. Thanks.
Y-You don't remember me, do ya?
Sorry?
We went to high school together. Judy Hicks?
We had the same homeroom and Drama Club, too.
We were in "Peter Pan" together. I played a Lost Boy.
You were... Tiger Lily.
I'm sorry, that was a long time ago.
It's okay.
You had a lot of stuff goin' on back then.
Well, it's nice to see you again, Judy.
You too.
(door opens, indistinct radio chatter)
(clears throat)
- (clears throat) - (man) Everything okay upstairs?
You're supposed to be out front, Perkins.
(pop music playing on radio)
What's a 4-letter word for "courage"?
Uh...
"guts."
That's Olivia Morris. She lives next door.
She's on the list.
She can live next door to me.
Now, seriously, uh... uh, Mary,
I'm warning you, okay, I'm gonna have to get physical.
- I mean it. This is it! - (snarling)
Just fuck off!
(growling)
(girls laugh)
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
What are you guys up to?
Oh, we're watching "Shaun of the Dead."
You know there are two zombies sitting outside the house in a car?
Yup. They're cops. You wanna come up?
The Angel of Death leave?
No, she's in the guest room. (chuckles)
Forget it. Next door's close enough.
- Your mom home? - She's at her boyfriend's.
It's creepy around here tonight.
Well, the zombies are still in their car.
So you should be all right.
- Call me tomorrow, okay? - All right.
- She didn't wanna come up? - She fears the Reaper.
Watch this.
(beep, cell phone dials)
(cell phone rings)
(beep) Speaking.
(imitating Ghostface) What's your favorite scary movie, Olivia?
That's the worst imitation I've ever heard, Jill.
Speaking of "Stab," you heard where the Stab-a-Thon's gonna be yet?
(beep) No, and it doesn't matter to me anyways.
My mom doesn't let me go.
(cell phone rings) (sighs) It's Trevor.
- I'll handle this. - Trevor's calling. Again.
- What do you want? - (Ghostface) I wanna talk to Jill.
Uh, no, it's Kirby. Sorry, Trevor.
Jill is screening her calls from all past relationships.
What's going on over there?
Hang on a sec. What is he saying?
(whispers) I'm not Trevor.
Wh-what? I can barely hear you, Trevor.
This isn't Trevor.
Oh, a-all right.
Well, then, why do you have his phone, whoever this is?
(whispering) He's trying to do Ghostface.
(chuckles) He's being weird.
I wanna talk to Jill.
Okay, well, she doesn't wanna talk to you.
Come on, Mr. Ghostface, whisper to me.
Aren't you supposed to ask me a question?
All right. How's the movie?
What movie?
"Shaun of the Dead."
How did you know that?
Because I'm standing in the closet.
Stop. You are not.
- What's going on? - Trevor's being weird.
- I mean, if it is him, I don't know. - What?
This is not fucking Trevor!
Well then, who the fuck are you?
Open the closet door.
You do know there are cops all over this house?
I think I'd have just enough time to slice someone open.
- I-I'll talk to him. - Shh.
What's going on over there, you guys?
S-Sorry. I-I don't know. Kirby.
- Shh. - Kirby.
Come on, do it.
There is no way you're in there.
See for yourself.
Kirby?
Kirby, come on. Talk to me. This isn't funny.
Kirby!
(gasps)
Liar. I'm over this.
I never said I was in your closet.
- (screaming) - Oh, my God. Olivia!
- (screaming) - Oh, my God, help!
Aaagh! (gasping)
No! Help!
(Olivia screaming)
(grunting and panting)
- Hoss! - Somebody help!
- Perkins! - (Olivia screams)
Shit!
Help! Help!
(girls screaming)
(both screaming)
(panting, door creaks)
(gasps)
(cell phone rings)
(beep) What?
(Ghostface) Welcome home, Sidney. Preview of coming events.
Why don't you come for me? You got the balls for that?
Oh, poor Sidney. You think this is all about you.
- You think you're still the star. - This isn't a fucking movie!
- It will be. - These are innocent people.
(angrily) Spare me the lecture.
You've done very well by all this bloodshed, haven't you?
Well, how about the town you left behind?
I've got plans for you.
I'm gonna slit your eyelids in half so you don't blink
when I stab you in the face.
You'll die when I want you to, Sidney. Not a moment before.
Until then... you're going to suffer.
(click)
- Sidney?! - Jill?
- Stay right there! - Is she...
Do not look. Okay?
She said you were the Angel of Death.
- Look out! - (screams)
(grunting and panting)
- What's going on in here? - He's in here.
Where is he? Ma'am?
- He was. - We'll check out back.
- Jill? - (breathes heavily) Don't.
- What happened? - (Jill whimpering)
Oh, my God, Jill.
Jesus! I'm here. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. All right?
Jill?
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Here, keep pressure on it. - There's nobody back there.
- Hoss, call it in. - Right.
Hey. Are you okay?
You should look upstairs.
(indistinct conversations)
(woman) Let's get the coroner's van brought around, please.
(indistinct radio chatter)
(woman) It's all your fault, Sidney!
(man) You're just like your mother!
- Hoss, clear these people out. - Right.
- (woman) I thought this was over! - Come on, leave her alone.
I'm sorry about what I said.
Do you wanna go get that looked at?
Yeah.
What the hell happened?
Okay. I saw him go into that yard two houses down right before...
Yeah, and I circled around to cut him off.
And?
And I met Hoss coming from the other direction.
He must've circled back around somehow. He's like a ghost.
- Chief, we're sorry. - We feel terrible.
(sighs) All right. Get outta here.
(siren wails)
This is "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer, webcasting live in our darkest hour.
What began as a day of remembrance has ended with serial murder.
Olivia Morris, who officially will never go out with me, is dead.
So is Jenny Randall and Marnie Cooper.
Our local legacy, the "Stab" movies, is coming to life.
Excuse me. Are you recording with that thing?
Live video-blog upload. He's webcasting right now.
Oh. Mind turning it off for a little old-school off the record?
Can't. Owe it to my audience.
Turn that fucking thing off.
Okay.
So, you two are the boys that run the movie club at Woodsboro High, huh?
Charlie runs it. I'm just V.P. In case he takes a bullet.
It's called Cinema Club.
So you must have a very unique insight into the movie buffs at your school.
Maybe.
What if we could catch the killer by working together?
Two generations of cutting-edge journalists
intertwining our passions for media?
What would you say?
I love you.
Very good.
Now you give me your expertise on the gore geek scene at Woodsboro High
and maybe I give you something in return.
Say, a celebrity visit to your Cinema Club?
By me.
What about Sidney?
Yeah, you know her, right? I mean, you're friends with her?
No offense, but that'd be a big deal for Cinema Club.
A visit from Sidney Prescott? I mean, she's the star.
(chucked bitterly) Yes, she's Daniel Radcliffe to my J.K. Rowling.
Well, without the book sales and the box office.
Whatever.
There's no broken bones.
I think you'll be fine. Take it easy.
You were lucky, Sidney.
So, Sidney, ooh, ow.
(chuckles) Anyway, long story short,
Random wants to lock you in to three more books now.
See the blank line in your contract? You can name your price.
And as soon as you're clear in this investigation,
we're on the next plane to New York.
I booked "Today," "The View," "Nancy Grace," "MTV News"...
Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
- Mm? - Did you read my book?
Thought I'd wait for the movie.
Book tour's over.
Sidney.
Accept your situation.
You're a victim. For life.
So embrace it, use it.
I know you care about your readers.
All those little downtrodden fucks that just need a light
at the end of their tunnel so they don't jump off a bridge.
And a lucky break like this?
I'm talkin' 100% increase in sales, minimum.
That's maybe a million more people get your message,
and you get a ton more checks, win-win.
(exhales) I won't be needing you anymore.
- Sidney. - You're fired.
- Fired? - Fired.
Fine.
(sighs)
(running footsteps)
(elevator dings)
"Have you even read my book, Rebecca?"
(clunk)
(clunk, elevator whirs)
(sighs softly)
The problem with Sidney is that she never gets laid.
Or even a little shit-faced once in a while.
She'll call me tonight and apologize.
(elevator dings) Just watch.
She'll come around.
Gotta just give her time, and Sidney will come around.
Where did I?
(car alarm chirps)
Ah. (cell phone rings)
(beep) This is Rebecca.
(Ghostface) Sidney Prescott, please.
I'm handling Miss Prescott's calls and appearances.
- May I take a message? - You are the message.
- Are you writing this down? - Yes, I am.
It's kind of hard to hear you. I'm in the hospital with Sidney.
If you could just hang on one second.
(chuckles) I've got time. It's you that doesn't.
(car alarm blares) You know, Rebecca,
it doesn't sound to me like you're in the hospital.
Sounds like you're in a parking garage.
A dark and deserted parking garage.
But if you want to be in the hospital, I'd be happy to put you there.
In the fucking morgue!
(door locks click)
(cell phone rings) Ah!
No. (ringing stops)
(keys jingling)
(engine cranks)
(screams)
Help! Help!
Help me! (tires squeal)
Help!
Cut and run, you fucking bastard.
(door locks click)
(car alarm blaring) (screams)
This is an ongoing investigation.
Rest assured, we're pursuing a number of leads.
The less I say about that, the better.
- So I'm taking questions. - Sheriff! Sheriff!
- Dewey! - Gale?
Any comment on the fact that these killings
seem to resemble the pattern of the original Woodsboro Murders?
Hon? (whispers) Later.
(woman) What was that, Sheriff?
As I was saying, uh, my officers are hard at work,
and we just want the community to know that we are very close
to bringing this whole situation under control...
- (woman screams) - Agh!
(crowd screaming)
(man) Oh, shit!
Someone, get up to the top of the structure! Go, go!
- Everyone back! Stay back! - All right, nobody move!
Listen, I want a man on each stairwell!
- You see anybody? - Nobody up here.
There's nobody up there, Sheriff!
It's all under control, huh, Sheriff?
What am I supposed to say?
Listen, I may not be wearing a uniform,
but I happen to have a lead, and you don't.
So let me know when you're back on Team Gale.
Move it, amateurs!
(over PA) And remember, students,
tonight's town curfew is 9:00.
You should be home with your doors locked at 9:00.
Okay, Cinema Club. We are now in session.
Welcome. Tell you a little bit about ourselves.
We are a sanctioned after-school activity,
one rung below the Glee Club, two above Nintendo Wii Fit.
And (chuckles) let me just say to our guest, Sidney Prescott,
it's an honor.
(applause)
Beyond Jamie Lee Curtis, forget Linda Blair.
I mean, this is the ultimate.
Thanks. I guess.
Um this, you film your entire
high school experience and, what, post it on the net?
Everybody'll be doing it someday, Sid.
It's kind of the one component the killer is missing.
Wait. What do you mean?
Well, if you wanna be the new new version,
the killer should be filming the murders.
It's like the natural next step in a psycho slasher innovation.
I mean, you film 'em all real-time, and then before you get caught,
- you upload 'em into cyberspace. - Making your art as immortal as you.
- Not to implicate him. - Not to implicate me.
So who do you think is behind the murders?
(beep) Well, it's a "Stab" fanatic clearly.
Working on less of a shriekquel and... and more of a scream-make.
- Copyrighted terms, by the way. - 'Cause all there are now are remakes.
Only horror the studios green-light. I mean
- Psst. - There are still rules.
But the rules have changed. The unexpected is the new cliché.
Yeah, you gotta have an opening sequence that blows the doors off,
dial up some flashy music-video direction,
and the kills gotta be way more extreme.
Modern audiences get savvy to the rules of the originals.
So the reversals become the new standard.
In fact, the only surefire way to survive a modern horror movie?
You pretty much have to be gay. (light chuckling)
So why are you so sure that the killer's working by the rules of a horror remake?
Well, the original "Stab" structure is pretty apparent.
Yeah, two kids killed in a house when their parents are away?
And then the school's hot chick savaged beyond recognition.
- We all know where it goes from there. - A party.
Exactly. A party.
Guaranteed third-act main cast bloodbath.
Fingers crossed on some nudity for a change.
(light laughter)
Okay, so do you know of a party that's happening tonight?
Well, there's Stab-a-Thon.
Stab-a-Thon?
Uh, it's a movie marathon. All seven "Stabs" back-to-back.
- We do it every year. - And it's tonight?
(scoffs) There's a killer out there
patterning his murders after the original movie.
I know. It's pretty wild.
- Well, you have to call it off. - Um, okay, I mean, it's Friday.
I'm sure we're not the only party that's goin' on in Woodsboro.
Where is this circle jerk gonna take place?
- So who's ready for this Q and A? - No, no. I really want the location.
You know, it's kind of an underground thing.
Email invites, pretty secret.
(chuckles) What, you're not gonna tell me?
Really?
We're working together. Remember?
(swallows) So you ready for that Q and A?
- Fuck you. - Let's go.
(door opens, closes)
(chuckles softly) That was awesome.
(talking indistinctly)
(sighs) I feel like I'm under house arrest.
You know when people say, "I know how you feel,"
but you know they're just saying that because they really have
no frigging idea how you feel?
I know how you feel.
I... am so sorry about Olivia.
I'm sorry about your publicist.
How do you handle it? People staring at you all the time?
People stare at me?
(both chuckle)
I could never handle that kind of attention.
I just... feel like it would take over your whole life.
Uh...
what I do is I...
try not to think about me.
I have people I care about. I focus on them.
And the rest, it, um, it works out.
You saved my life last night.
I mean, I know we're family, but you hardly know me.
Makes me wonder, you know,
if I'd have been brave enough to do the same thing.
I really hope you never have to find that out.
Well, if you need me, you know where to find me.
I'll be up in my cell. Or, I mean, my room.
Her room's all boarded up. That's the view from my cell.
(sighs) It's really weird.
(Kirby) I think Olivia would understand, okay?
She'd want me to be around other people.
Holy shit.
Even if I did just crash-land on Planet Dork.
Speaking of which, Trevor's here.
Hey, Kirby.
What is he doing there? That is so not his scene.
I have no idea. Maybe he thought you would be here.
Yeah, fat chance. After what happened last night?
I mean, my mom is just completely freaked out.
- It's not pretty. - All right, look.
You go do your "good girl" thing, and I will drink for the both of us.
- I will keep you posted. - All right. Be safe.
(rock music playing, indistinct conversations)
(crowd chanting in unison) Stab-a-thon! Stab-a-thon! Stab-a-thon!
(cheers and applause)
Thank you! Thank you! Gracias.
Shh.
Cinema Club thanks you for coming out for our third annual Stab-a-thon.
(cheers and applause) Safety in numbers, my friends!
Who's ready to drink every time someone can't get a cell phone signal?
(cheers and applause)
Who's ready to drink every time someone shuts the refrigerator door,
and oh, my God, there's a harmless character right behind it?
(hooting and cheering)
Who's ready to drink every time someone screams the word...
(all) No!
So let's get this Stab-a-thon started!
(cheers and applause)
(eerie music plays)
(cheers and applause)
- Hey, watch it! - Get out of the way!
- Down in front! - Move your ass!
- Screw you! (angry shouting)
(dramatic music playing, audience hooting)
(glass shatters, audience cheering)
(softly) Yes.
(thunder crashes, audience cheers)
Oh, yeah. Back on my game.
(exhales) Perfect.
New work-in-progress, chapter one.
When I moved to Woodsboro, I never in a million years dreamed
that I would again play the critical role
in solving another series of these...
What?
What the hell?
(cell phone rings)
Gale, where are you?
I followed the kids to the Stab-a-thon.
There's an old abandoned farm on Fort Dillon Road.
Listen, I've got it under surveillance,
and I-I think the killer's about to make his move.
What makes you so sure?
You do a remake to out-do the original,
that's what the kids said.
This party is all about the "Stab" movies.
Come on! How meta can you get?
How "what-a" can you get?
I don't know. I heard them say it.
Dewey, listen to me, you have to get out here.
Come on, you catch the killer, I get the story.
It's a win-win.
Well, I thought you were going rogue, Gale.
Oh, co... are you serious? Come on!
(exhales) Forget it. Thanks for having faith in me.
I gotta fix my equipment. (beep)
Gale!
Shit.
(siren wails)
(man) Why don't you get more comfortable, baby?!
(light cheering)
(cheers and applause)
Bravo. Well... very well done.
Very, I'm very impressed.
I mean, kind... kind of impressed. Not really.
- That'll do. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah, she wants it, right?
(telephone rings)
(audience groans)
(cheers and applause) Ghostface! Yeah!
(ringing continues)
(woman) Don't answer it!
- Hello? - (Ghostface) Hello.
Who is this?
(audience talking along) Were you expecting somebody?
No.
(indistinct radio chatter)
(audience talking along) You know, I don't even know you,
and I dislike you already.
Hicks, how far are you from Fort Dillon Road?
- Five minutes at the most, sir. - Well, step on it.
(tense music playing)
Look out your window.
(audience screaming)
(camera whirring)
Gale! Gale, behind you!
Aah!
(grunts) (audience cheering)
Aah!
(grunts)
Gale!
(woman onscreen screaming)
Aah!
Freeze!
Aaah!
(Gale grunts)
(audience screaming)
Get out of the way, you morons!
Damn it.
Okay, put pressure on that.
Did you catch him?
No. Hopefully your cameras caught something.
- They weren't the only ones Dewey. - What?
There's a webcam that's hidden up there.
- It was watching me. - A webcam?
He's recording the murders.
What?
This time... he's making the movie.
Sidney Prescott detail, man. I don't... like it.
The cops guarding the house, they always get it.
- What are you talkin' about? - It's a movie cop rule.
Sucks to be a cop in a movie, unless you're Bruce Willis.
Not all cops die in movies.
No, but if it's your last day before retirement, you do.
If you're a rookie just found out your wife is pregnant, you do.
Or if your partner's better-looking than you, you do, and by the way...
(both) I win that one.
(chuckles)
You know what? I'll take the next perimeter.
I'll be right back.
Shit. I know this one.
You're not supposed to say that, are you?
Eh, new decade, new rules.
You know, these days, you might come back, find me dead,
eyes gouged out, tongue sticking out.
- Could go either way. - I gotta learn this shit.
(chuckles) I'll take this one.
Hey, Hoss.
Be careful.
I'm always careful.
Dead man walking.
(cat yowls, meows)
(wind chimes tinkling)
Perkins, was there a window open on your last perimeter check?
Perkins, come in, over.
(dog barking in distance)
(whispers) Anthony?
Perkins?
- Aaah! - Ohh!
- (laughs) - Damn it.
You should've seen the look on your face, rookie.
- (strangled grunt) - Hoss!
What the fuck? Aah!
Oh, shit.
(grunting)
(dogs barking in distance)
Fuck Bruce Willis.
(wind chimes tinkling)
Sorry! The wind chimes were over here.
That was me. I was trying to fix 'em, sorry.
I'm just back from the store.
You're shopping?
My stress buster. Got one more bag in the car.
Be right back.
(telephone ringing)
Jill? You gonna get that?
(beep) Roberts residence.
(Ghostface) You're a survivor, aren't you, Sidney?
Your one and only skill. You survive.
I have one question for you.
What good's it to be a survivor in this little drama
if everyone close to you is dead?
- Who are you? - Turn on the TV to channel 6.
Who the fuck are you?
Turn it on. Watch the teaser.
...nearly turned deadly tonight with the latest victims of these attacks
being the wife of the Woodsboro sheriff, Gale Riley,
AKA Gale Weathers who's in serious condition tonight after being stabbed.
Her assailant then disappeared in a sea of identic...
(laughs) Glad you came home, Sidney? Has it been worth it yet?
- Why are you doing this? - Ah, friends count.
But it's the family ties that cut deep, right?
Am I right?
What do you mean?
(chuckles) The ones you care about most.
And what's closer than family? The bond of blood.
- Don't. - You can't save them.
All you can do is watch. (laughs)
Jill!
Come on, come on...
Kate?
- Sid? - Jill's not in her room.
- Oh, my God. - She's gone to Kirby's.
You gotta call her and get her back here.
Okay. (beep)
(telephone rings) Come on, Jill.
- Leave a message. - She's not picking up.
- What's going on? - The killer called.
He's coming after me, but he wants my family first.
- Oh, God, Jill! - Let's get the cops.
- The cops aren't there. - What?
They were there when I first came in, but they're not there now.
Let's get to Kirby's.
Out the front.
(gasps, screams)
(both grunting)
Brace it from the bottom. Can you?
(pounding on door) Let's get outta here.
- (thud, grunts) - (whispering) Kate, come on!
Kate?
Tell Jill... I'm so... sorry.
Shh.
Kate?
Hicks? What are you doing?
I just saw somebody coming around the side of the house.
Where are Hoss and Perkins? I couldn't get them on the radio.
Whose blood is that?
It's... it's Kate's. We were just attacked.
- She's dead. - Where is she?
- Front door. - Show me.
Okay.
- Stay here. - Okay.
(radio clicks) This is Deputy Hicks.
I've got a homicide at the Roberts residence.
- No sign of Perkins or Hoss. - Copy that, we'll try to locate them.
I'm so sorry...
(tires squealing)
Hey!
Halt!
You're gonna be fine, all right? I swear.
No more "on your own."
It's you and me, forever.
One, two, three. (grunts)
Easy.
- Dewey? - Yeah?
Promise me somethin'.
Anything.
(exhales) Catch that motherfucker.
Absolutely. I love you.
You missed chaos. Utter chaos.
- I can't believe that. - The sheriff's wife, man!
She told us to cancel it, and we didn't, and now this?
- What are we supposed to do? - Robbie, calm down.
It makes sense. This is what the re-boots do.
They... they one-up the original ending.
The Woodsboro Murders ended at a party. So in the remake...
The party's the false ending. New rules.
Exactly.
Okay, no offense, guys, but I'm gonna put in "Stab 7."
- Nobody cancels my film festival. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't wanna watch that, not after what happened to Olivia.
Oh, come on, it was her favorite.
Oh, wow, Kirby. You got some classics here.
- Yup. - "Suspiria," "Don't Look Now."
You know it.
I could trivia your ass under the table, Cinema Boy.
Oh, yeah? Who played Leatherface first?
- Gunnar Hansen. - Wow. Did you feel that?
That charge that moved between us just then?
Oh, that was me. I have powers.
So sexy.
You guys are unbelievable. You're playing fuckin' trivia games?
The cops are gonna come for us. They're gonna shut down my website.
- We're so dead! - Yeah. I agree.
- Jesus Christ, where'd you come from? - The front door.
By the way, Kirby, with everything that's going on right now,
you probably shouldn't leave that unlocked.
Sorry.
And, um, may I ask what the hell you're doing here?
What? Didn't I find the after-party?
No, you found the anti-party, and it's invitation only.
Yeah, well, I got an invitation. From Jill.
- So, what's the story? - W-What?
You sent me a text message. "After-party at Kirby's house."
- I mean, it was from your phone. - What do you mean from my phone?
Where is my phone? I think I left it in your car.
I didn't text him. (sighs) I didn't text you.
And I'll prove it.
So, Charlie, Robbie.
How's it feel to be an accessories to a crime, huh?
I mean, really, Dewey's wife?
My life is over.
So which one of you guys sent me a text message from Jill's phone, huh?
(snorts, coughs)
We're just supposed to accept that you're telling the truth?
Isn't your phone missing?
- Got a new one. - Really.
Oh, that's incredibly convenient.
- Dewey, it's Hicks. - What's up?
- Kate Roberts is dead. - Huh?
- And Sidney fled the scene.
What? What happened to Kate?
She was stabbed just like the others.
- What about Jill? - No sign of her at all.
Where the hell were Hoss and Perkins?
They were found dead in their car two blocks away.
(sighs) Multiple stab wounds.
Okay.
I'm on my way.
Yes, sir.
(siren wails)
Wrong number. (beep)
- Who was that? - Oh, nobody.
- Did you pick a movie? - Yeah. We're gonna go scary.
- "Saw 4." - Ugh, I saw that in theaters.
It sucks. It's not scary, it's gross...
(groans)
(sighs)
(groans)
Charlie, you want to sit over here next to me?
(chuckles softly) All right.
(beep)
All right, get ready for a "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer extra.
Now tonight, there is a good chance that Charlie Walker,
yes, my Charlie Walker, may get lucky with a girl.
Now I'm unable to, uh, divulge my exact location, however,
suffice it to say, Woodsboro High may be in store for some geek history.
We'll see.
(clears throat)
(distant thud)
Hello?
Who's there?
Oh, my God...
- Where are you going? - To make sure the front door is locked.
(doorbell rings, both scream)
No. Don't open it...
- (whispering) Hey, Charlie? - Yeah?
I'm sorry, I know you're into the movie and all,
but now would be a really good time to make a move.
For... me to make a move?
Mm-hmm.
Couldn't you make a move?
I just did.
'Cause you're actually pretty cute.
Especially when I'm scared and... Ionely... and drunk.
Hey, guys, did... did you see Jill come in?
I didn't see her outside.
Yes, Trevor, she is upstairs.
Thank God you're here to protect her when you can't even find her.
There's nobody out here.
(chuckles) Oh, dude, I love this part of the movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just when you think they're all safe and comfortable in the house...
Ghostface comes in, and, bam!
Did I just interrupt something right here?
Shut the fuck up. (chuckles)
Who invited you, Trevor?!
(chuckling) All right. Clearly not you.
Wow. I'm gonna be upstairs. (exhales sharply)
Get out of my house!
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm a little drunk, so don't blame your internet connection.
(chuckles) Let's see what Charlie's up to, shall we?
Or the saga of Trevor and Jill.
Oh, the intrigue of Woodsboro High.
Who needs a killer around when there's so much drama?
(chuckles) Oh, man.
That's better.
(gasps) Aah!
Agh!
Wait, no, you can't! You can't! There's rules!
I-I'm gay! I'm gay!
I mean, if it helps.
(grunts)
...random girl who gets a call
that undoubtedly ends up getting her killed.
It's all so predictable. There's no element of surprise.
You can see ev...
Kirby!
I found my phone. It was up in your room.
There was no text message sent to Trevor.
He is such a liar. Where is he?
What do you mean where is he? He just went upstairs looking for you.
He's not upstairs.
Trevor?
Charlie? Robbie?
Maybe they're outside.
- (screams) - Jill.
Sidney, I-I'm sorry, I should've told you and Mom where I was going...
No, it's okay. It's just, I-I need you to come with me,
- Come with me right now, okay? - (gasps)
Run.
Robbie!
(screaming)
Go!
- Sidney! - (grunts)
Come on!
- The balcony! - There's no other way out?
We can jump. (thudding, wood cracking)
It's two stories. Where's your cell?
- Uh, here. - Get under the bed!
- What? - Just do what I say! Get under the bed.
Don't make a sound and don't come out until I come get you, okay?
- Just trust me. - Okay.
You got it? You're okay? Jill, run!
Just keep running, get help!
(telephone dialing)
(telephone ringing)
(grunts)
- (click) Hello? - Dewey!
- Sidney, where are you? - I'm at Kirby's.
The killer is here. I need your help.
- I'm on my way. - Okay.
(grunts)
Sidney? Sidney!
I need all units to 329 Whispering Lane.
All units, 329 Whispering Lane!
(sirens wailing)
Sorry. It's just me.
Look, I tried to call 911, but the landline's dead,
- and someone smashed the router - I think I got through on my cell.
Where's Jill? (footsteps overhead)
Oh, God. Go, go, go, go.
(lock clicks)
There's a room down here. We can lock ourselves in.
I heard you yelling to Jill. Did she get away?
I think she's safe.
(lock clicks)
(thudding)
- Kirby, let me in! - Charlie.
No. No, no, no, no.
I just found Robbie. This... this is his blood.
Please. Please. There is someone else out here.
Let me in!
If you can't trust him, don't open the door.
My God, let me in!
Get away from the door, Charlie.
Kirby, it is me. Please let me in!
Get away from the door, Charlie.
It's me!
(voice breaking) I'm sorry, I can't.
- What the fuck?! - (whispers) I'm sorry.
Behind you! Look out!
(grunts)
(gasps)
No! No, no, no!
(blows landing) Kirby!
(sirens wailing)
Oh, God, no, please. (pounds on door)
Leave him alone!
(cell phone ringing)
It's Charlie's phone.
(Ghostface) Tell Sidney heads are gonna roll tonight.
Tell Sidney it's all because of her.
Or maybe she wants to take his place. I promise to be quick.
- It's him. - Okay, okay. I'm gonna get Jill.
We should be in the same place. Just... just keep him on the phone.
I'll be right back, okay?
Let him go, please.
I hear you like horror movies, Kirby.
But do you like 'em as much as him?
Forget watching "Stab." You get to live it.
No, no, no, no, no! He's the expert! It's not me!
Warm-up question: Jason's weapon?
Uh, it's a machete.
There, you see? You do know the genre.
- Michael Myers? - Uh, butcher knife.
- Leatherface? - A chainsaw. Please!
Just ask Sidney if you need some help.
- Freddy Krueger?! - Uh, uh, razor hands.
Name the movie that started the slasher craze.
"Halloween," "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Last House on the Left," or "Psycho"?
- "Psycho"! - None of the above!
"Peeping Tom," 1960, directed by Michael Powell.
First movie to ever put the audience in the killer's POV.
What? Wait. No, no, no.
Please, just ask me one more question! Just one more!
All right, Kirby.
Then it's time for your last-chance question.
Name the remake of the groundbreaking horror movie in which the villain...
Uh, "Halloween," uh, "Texas Chainsaw," "Dawn Of The Dead,"
"The Hills Have Eyes," "Amityville Horror,"
uh, "Last House On The Left," "Friday The Thirteenth,"
"A Nightmare On Elm Street," "My Bloody Valentine,"
"When A Stranger Calls," "Prom Night," "Black Christmas,"
"House Of Wax," "The Fog," uh, "Piranha."
It's one of those, right? Right?
(exhales) I got it right.
I was fucking right.
(whispers) Jill?
I won, Charlie. I fucking won.
I won. He tried to beat me, but I fucking won.
Great, Kirby.
Hold on. Okay. Almost there.
Just hang tight. Okay. Okay.
- All right. - Kirby?
- Yeah? - This is making a move.
(gasps)
Four years of classes together, and you notice me now?
Stupid bitch!
- It's too late! - (grunting)
Shh. Shh.
Oh, I know, I know.
It's okay. Take your time.
Doesn't happen as fast as it does in the movies, I know.
C-Charlie... (gasping)
Charlie...
(grunting)
(door opens)
Kirby?
You know, you learn a lot when you watch movies over and over.
All the plots are about trying to kill you.
Where's Jill?
Oh, you think she's gonna get away?
You think anyone gets away?
(both grunt)
(grunts)
(gasps)
- Jill? - Hello, Sidney.
Surprised?
Watch this.
This is the part, my dear cousin, when the cameras turn off.
(grunts)
Charlie?
Already taken care of.
Man, I got great footage of my Robbie kill.
Better than Jenny and Marnie or Olivia even.
Good, we'll cut and upload it later and make it all traceable to Trevor.
Speaking of which...
- Remind you of anything? - Jill, please...
Shut up! Dick.
Everything I learned, I learned from you.
You think you had a shitty boyfriend, Sidney?
Here's one that fucks you, dumps you, and doesn't even make you famous.
Agh! What the fuck, Jill? I loved you!
Shut the fuck up already!
Agh! Aagh!
I'm sure those cops would want you to have this, Jill.
For your protection.
No.
Baby, please... baby, please...
Shouldn't have killed all these people, Trev.
Gone and put it on video even.
But it means a lot that you did it for me.
What the fuck are you talking about?!
I am not the girl you cheat on.
Aagh! Aaaagh!
I've gone through everything. We're definitely good on timeline.
Oh, yeah. We're perfect.
No, no, no, please!
- (gasps) - You should keep quiet.
Ready for act three?
Got it figured out yet, Sidney?
In keeping with our remake theme,
Trevor's this generation's Billy Loomis,
and we're the innocent victims, Sidney and Randy.
See, with you, the world just heard about what happened.
- But with us, they're gonna see it. - (screaming on video)
It's gonna be a worldwide sensation. I mean, people gotta see this shit.
It's not like anyone reads anymore.
We're gonna know fame like you never even dreamed of.
Last two teenagers standing.
This time Randy gets the girl.
You were amazing. You're the perfect victim.
I was so believable today, wasn't I?
I mean, I told so many lies that I actually started to believe them.
I really think that I was born for this.
How could you do this?
Do you know what it was like growing up in this family?
Related to you?
I mean, all I ever heard was Sidney this
and Sidney that and Sidney, Sidney, Sidney.
You were always just so fucking special!
Well, now I'm the special one.
You'll slip. They always do.
Hm. Come on, Charlie, let's get on with this.
You have to be strong. And hold still, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, old school, like Billy and Stu.
Come on, baby, get it up!
Come on. Shoulder me! Shoulder me! Shoulder me!
Get it up! (grunts)
The heart... That's not the way we rehearsed it.
You said it, Charlie. Billy and Stu, Trevor and you.
What the media really loves, baby, is a sole survivor.
Just ask you-know-who.
Trevor was your partner. But you, you were the idea man.
(gasps)
Even your friends.
My friends?
What world are you living in?
I don't need friends.
I need fans.
Don't you get it?!
This has never been about killing you.
It's about... becoming you.
I mean, for fuck's sake, my own mother had to die...
no great loss there... so I could stay true to the original.
That's sick, right?
Well, sick is the new sane.
You had your fifteen minutes.
Now I want mine!
I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go to college?
Grad school? Work?
Look around.
We all live in public now, we're all on the Internet.
How do you think people become famous anymore?
You don't have to achieve anything.
You just gotta have fucked-up shit happen to you.
So, you do have to die, Sid.
Those are the rules. New movie, new franchise.
There's only room for one lead, and let's face it,
your ingénue days, they're over.
(gasps)
Don't tell me you didn't know this day would come.
(ripping)
Aah!
(screams)
(gasps)
Oh, fuck!
(grunting)
(groans)
(sirens approaching)
Come on, let's move it!
(car doors closing)
He's gone.
Check the rooms, both sides and upstairs.
Yes, ma'am.
Jill, can you give us a description of the murderer?
(reporters shouting questions)
Jill! How does it feel to be a hero?
It's okay. You're gonna be okay.
Jill. You made it. That's all that matters.
Trevor, Charlie, they tried to kill me.
And I heard they killed my mom. And... and Robbie and Kirby, too.
Shh. Just lay back.
Try to rest.
Is... is your wife...
(chuckles softly)
She's gonna be fine. She's recovering.
If I ever write a book one day, I'd... I'd want her to write it with me.
We'd be a good team with our matching wounds and all.
We're survivors now.
(voice breaking) I just wish Sidney was, too.
Jill...
they're not sure yet.
It's still touch and go.
But she's in ICU.
And they think Sidney just might make it.
What?
But... but I saw Trevor kill her.
Look, we don't know yet.
But she's hanging on.
I-I-I wanna see her.
She's not awake yet.
And she may not remember anything.
You'll to help her with that.
All in time. Just get some rest now, okay?
(over PA) Your attention, please.
There will be a mandatory meeting for all non-emergency personnel
in the basement conference room in five minutes.
There will be a mandatory meeting for all non-emergency personnel
in the basement conference room in five minutes.
She gonna be okay?
Yeah. She's a strong kid.
She's gonna have to be.
(chuckles) She asked if you were okay.
She thinks you guys should write a book together with your matching wounds.
Why, she was stabbed in the shoulder?
How did she know I was, too?
Damn it!
You just won't die, will ya?
- (gasps) - Who are you?
Michael fucking Myers?
Yeah, I don't think so.
Fucking die already! (grunts)
Aagh! Aah!
(both grunting)
(screams)
How are those stitches?
Aagh!
(Dewey) Sidney!
Hicks, get up to Sidney Prescott's room and call for back-up!
Be right up, sir!
Sid!
- Sid... - Dewey!
(grunting)
Is this how it's gonna be, Sid?
The ending of the movie was supposed to be at the house.
I mean, this is just silly.
Consider this an alternate ending.
You're never gonna get out of this, Jill.
- Of course I will. - Dewey!
(gasps) Sid?
Easy. Okay, okay.
What about the book?
Looks like I'll just have to write it myself.
Yah!
- God damn it! - Ohh!
Don't even think about shooting or I'll blow Dewey's head off.
You think I won't do it? Gimme your gun!
Do it.
You heard her.
You just had to be the hero, huh?
Gimme your gun.
(Gale whispers) Give it to her.
What are you, deaf?
Give me... your gun!
Now get up.
And keep your hands over your head.
Don't do anything stu...
(grunts)
Don't fucking tell me what to do.
(softly) Oh, God.
Now get up, bitch.
Okay.
Get up!
- Now! - Okay.
She's not gonna help you. Come on.
(Dewey groans) Neither is he.
- Dewey? - (grunts)
Let's go. Get your skinny ass out here.
Okay.
I'm gonna enjoy blowing your head off.
Okay, but can I just...
have one final word?
What? "Please"?
No.
- Clear. - "Clear"?
Clear.
You forgot the first rule of remakes, Jill.
Don't fuck with the original.
Oh, my God, Dewey.
(groans) What hit me?
Don't ask. (groans)
You okay?
She was standing right behind me.
They always are.
(gasps)
Oh, God.
Nice one.
Hicks? You're alive?
Wear the vest, save your chest.
We got two officers down. Several injuries.
- And a new suspect. - Sheriff? Sheriff...
We need a doctor, goddamn it!
I don't know about you, but I feel a whole lot better.
Where the hell is everybody?!
We're live at Woodsboro Community Hospital,
awaiting a first public statement from Jill Roberts, survivor.
...a survivor of what is now being called the Woodsboro Massacre Re-boot.
Jill Roberts is her name, a name the whole world will now know.
...who single-handedly put a stop
to this 21 st-Century Woodsboro killing spree.
Jill Roberts of Woodsboro,
a girl who's lifted all our spirits tonight,
an American hero, right out of the movies.
("Bad Karma" plays)
You better believe in karma
Baby, it's gonna sting
The wheel of life's gonna do you in
So I don't really have to do a thing
You made me drink the Kool-Aid
You tricked me into thinkin' that Jill means Jack
You are the firstborn of the Devil
But even he ain't takin' you back, back, yeah
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Baby, that's what you got
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Whether you believe it or not
The universe is gonna getcha
You'll be scratchin' the seven-year itch
You know what I think?
Bad karma's a bitch
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
You better believe in karma
Just look at the sorry shape you're in
There's a doll with your name and your gloomy face
At the department of doing a rush on your case
You better believe in voodoo, babe
I got a long list of your sins
There's a word you might have heard called payback
And I'm runnin' out of pins
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Baby, that's what you got
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Whether you believe it or not
The universe is gonna getcha
You'll be scratchin' the seven-year itch
You know what I think?
Yeah, bad karma's a bitch
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da Bad karma's a bitch
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
("On Fire and Out of Control" plays)
I don't have no sympathy, girl
That's the last you're giving, I'm sure
All the time I'm trying to
Be the man you want me to
But all I ever get from you is silence
Silence
I'm on fire
Out of control
I'm on fire
Out of control
I'm on fire
And out of contro-o-I
Stop me now
Somebody stop me now
S-s-stop me now
Don't stop me now
D-d-d-d-don't stop... don't stop... aah
I'm on fire
Out of control
Well, I'm on fire
Out of control
Baby, I'm on fire
And out of contro-o-o-I
("Run For Your Life" plays)
And morning comes with a meltdown
This town is needing a shakedown
We've been burning bridges for hours
Guided by higher powers
And rising up from the edges
This land is covered with faces
We've been praying for someone to lead us
The end of those who deceive us
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Her face is in every paper
And may we never forget her
A nation cries together
Hoping to remember
Look back at roads we have taken
As sleeping giants awaken
Wasting days till tomorrow
We'll beg, steal and borrow
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
It's not time to stand in line
If you want to change this
They'll make the world you measure by
If you let them take you
And hand you to the darker side
So everything's about you
It's not time to stand in line
Someone has to change this
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
("Say Hi" plays)
Well, the devil got my number
And the devil got my size
And the devil got my head
And the devil got my eyes
I'mma tryin' hard to get up
Lest he make it to my heart
'Cause I wanna make it back
From the dark, dark, dark
Aha-ha, yeah, and aha-ha, yeah
Well, aha-ha, yeah, and aha-ha, yeah
Aha-ha, yeah, and aha-ha, yeah
Aha-ha, yeah, and a ha
It used to be
It was just my house
And it used to be
It was just my tongue
But the devil's caught on
Like the teeth of a shark
And I wanna make it make it back
From the dark, dark, dark
Oh, woe is me indeed
And a woe is me indeed
Oh, woe is me indeed
And woe is me indeed
Oh, woe is me indeed
And a woe is me indeed
Oh, woe is me indeed and woe
See, the devil got my address
See, the devil got my car
And the devil ain't no novice
And the devil ain't no liar
I'mma tryin' hard to get up
But he made it to my heart
So I cannot make it back
From the dark, dark
Dark